Advice from a small town girl

Saturday was my birthday.

I’ve officially reached the point where I no longer wish to acknowledge birthdays, but am forced to by friends and family.

Thank you very much.

I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m still middle-aged, but I’ll have to live to 116 for that to be true. And to be honest, I don’t want to go there.

So now I’m just trying to convince myself that over the hill means I’m on the sunny side of the slope. Not the slippery side.

Birthdays are not just painful because of the hideous changes reflected in the mirror each morning, but because they always initiate stock-taking behavior.

Am I thinner than last year?

Am I nicer than last year?

Have I accomplished anything in the past year?

Have I accomplished anything in my life?

Do people like me?

Why am I so weird?

And so on.

Rarely does the stock-taking start with the negative and progress to the positive. It usually starts with the negative and just keeps going.

I don’t know if anyone else does this. It sounds mean, but I hope so.

I tend to assume that everyone else is totally normal, with healthy self-esteem and a good grounding in reality.

Me, not so much.

I know I try to present myself to the rest of the world as a smart and self-confident person. I also know that I overdo it sometimes, crossing the line from confident to obnoxious.

In reality, I always measure myself against a standard that, in all probability, cannot be achieved.

I don’t remember ever being okay with myself.

Even as a little kid, I was always comparing myself to others and coming up short. Or wide.

I don’t know how or when it began, and it really doesn’t matter.

What matters is how I go forward from today.

There’s not a lot to show for all my endeavors of the last year.

I’ve lost about 20 pounds, but seem to be stuck there. So, of course, the way my brain works, THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME – I CAN’T STOP EATING.

I’m still not exercising. THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME – I’M LAZY.

My house is still a mess (except for every other Wednesday, when someone else cleans it for me.) THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME – I’M REALLY LAZY!

I still have more fabric than I will be able to use in a lifetime. OH MY GOSH I’VE BECOME A HOARDER!!!

You get the picture.

I wish, after a year of writing (or should I way whining?) about improving my health, that I’d have made more progress, but there you have it.

The good news is, I’m still (sort of) middle-aged, so there’s still time. . . THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME – I’M A PROCRASTINATOR!