Serving Lincoln County for more than a century!
Serving Lincoln County for more than a century!
I have always considered myself many things—an investigative journalist, a semi-decent cook, and a dog mom extraordinaire—but coordinated? Absolutely not. So, naturally, when I decided to try a tanning bed for the first time, I knew it was going to be an experience.
For background, I have had my fair share of sunburns over the years, from spending summers on the lake with little to no sunscreen to testing out self-tanners that left me more orange and greasy than bronzed and glowing. So when Barb, the owner of BFit gym in Davenport, graciously offered free tanning from February 17 to the end of the month for gym members, I figured it was my time to shine—literally.
I have friends who swear by tanning beds, but I also have a distant cousin who swore by them until her skin started resembling the leather you’d use for cowboy chaps. Nonetheless, this was my journey, my experience, and I was determined to see what all the hype was about. I texted Barb to express my interest, picked up a pair of tanning goggles, grabbed a sample of tanning lotion, closed the door, and prepared to achieve my dreams of a sun-kissed glow.
Now, here is where I made my first mistake. There were a ton of tanning lotion samples to choose from, but I was torn between two. One was in a pretty teal package, filled with ingredients that sounded like they belonged in a Hawaiian cocktail (which was much more my speed). The other? Black packaging with the silhouette of an angry pitbull on it—very intense. Naturally, I picked the latter because my dad has always said, “You’re either all in or all out,” and for some reason, I applied that logic to tanning lotion.
I also might have misunderstood Barb’s instructions. She mentioned that I could go for five minutes but not all in one day. Now that I’m writing this out, it makes sense. However, at the time, I was fresh off leg day, sore, sweaty, and exhausted. My decision-making skills were not at their peak. I figured four minutes couldn’t possibly be too much, even for my fair skin.
Oh, how wrong I was.
I slathered on the intense tanning lotion, feeling a strange tingling sensation across my body, laid down on the cool tanning bed, and pressed some buttons. I also hit the button for the face tanner—because why not? As soon as the bright light hit, I winced like a child anticipating a jump scare from a Jack-in-the-box. My goggles were on, but that didn’t stop me from squinting in fear.
About halfway through, I started thinking, “Wow, this is kind of cool. It’s like a spaceship.” Call me all the names you want, but I am an absolute sucker for classic sci-fi. Not the modern stuff—I mean 3rd Rock from the Sun, Space: 1999, Planet of the Apes, old Star Trek, and, of course, the original Star Wars trilogy (because obviously). As I laid there, absorbing UV rays, I let my mind wander to those classic sci-fi moments, convinced I was floating through space.
Then, reality hit.
As the timer dinged, I felt the kind of warmth that one only experiences after a long day at the beach when you realize you forgot to reapply sunscreen. I opened the tanning bed with the grace of Nosferatu rising from his coffin—slow, dramatic, and a little disoriented.
My hair was a mess from the workout, my muscles were sore, and my skin? Well, it was looking a little extra crispy.
Naturally, I took some goofy mirror selfies, contemplating whether to share them. But then I remembered, I already provide plenty of embarrassing content for my readers—no need to give people extra ammunition for teasing when they see me in town.
So, if you spot me looking a little red, slightly overdone, or just generally like I spent too much time on a rotisserie, just know I’m experimenting with tanning beds. And no, I will never admit it in public.
— Olivia Harnack is the editor at the Lincoln County Record-Times and is learning the ropes of rural life, one hay bale and farm dog at a time. You can reach her at 509-725-0101.
Olivia Harnack is the award-winning managing editor/photographer/videographer/columnist at the Lincoln County Record-Times, with offices in both Davenport and Odessa, Wash. She is a University of Idaho graduate and a U.S. Army National Guardsman.
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